(Swans - August 9, 2010) I'm goddamn sick and tired of all this Republican-rigged obstructionist crap! Who do those conservative dingle-berries think they are, holding up employment benefits to millions of Americans who are out of work because of a recession for which they are directly responsible? How long do we have to listen to this right-wing bullshit about Americans preferring to be on the dole rather getting out there and landing a job? Millions of people are without work, forced out of their homes, savings destroyed, unable to feed their families due to the Wall Street greed that was countenanced by tight-ass conservatives whose unwavering policy is to cut taxes for the rich and let the bleeding workers fall by the wayside. They fought tooth and nail against extending employment benefits withholding money that was legally taken out of workers' salaries to "insure" against catastrophes like the one the bankers, the brokers, and the embezzlers have wrought on the American citizenry.
I am goddamn sick to my stomach and tired of having all of this salvationary legislation being knocked on its ass by the likes of a chinless wonder like Mitch McConnell and a sun-baked darkie like John Boehner, people who have nothing positive to propose to pull Americans out of their death traps. And yes, my friends, there are death panels and they are operated by the bloodsucking vampires of the far right. Greed is bred in their bones and they don't give a fiddler's fuck for a middle class that, economically speaking, is dying like flies. All these fat cats methodically destroy our economy because they're too busy chasing profits using tactics that are almost as repellent as those engineered by Bernie Madoff.
They fought me tooth and nail over the health care reform bill and killed the public option, the only element that would really have put the brakes on the rough riders of the insurance monopoly; a game so fixed by its practitioners that the casino always wins.
I bent over backwards reaching out across the aisle to rope in some fence-sitting members of Congress, but they didn't want to know. That taught me a great lesson. Once you piss all over my silverware, don't expect to be invited to dinner again. I may be just a jumped-up ex-community leader from Chicago's South Side but I know the difference between a milk shake and a vial of poison and I also know when I've been played for a sucker -- and that is a lesson that only strengthens my resolve. Bipartisanship is a swampland bubbling with quicksand. I know; I've had to dig myself out of the pit on half-a-dozen occasions.
I should never have invited those loan-sharks to sit down and work up a universal health care plan. What in hell was I thinking? FDR didn't chummy up to his enemies; he whacked them in the balls as he pushed through the New Deal and saved the country from a real, not a make-believe, depression. That's a lesson I am beginning to learn. The honeymoon is over. We are now going to get down to brass tacks -- even it means nailing them into your sacroiliac, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my high-toned university five-star education turn me into a tin can for the other side to keep kicking down the street.
So I am taking this opportunity to put it fair and square to the American people who are expecting me to dig their way out of this hellhole and, by God, I am shovel-ready to do just that. You may have thought I was only an innocent virgin waiting to lose my cherry, but I am going to show you that I can be as hard as Teddy Roosevelt or Andrew Jackson. Like Popeye, I have swallowed my spinach and am ready and willing to kick some ass -- and I know exactly whose right-wing buttocks are going to be the first to feel the spikes in my boots.
I knew that Washington was a piss-hole when I got started in this job and that the House and the Senate were manned by geriatric racketeers whose best friends were the overpaid lobbyists who have always been solidly entrenched in the Congress. Senators who take gigantic stacks of moolah from corporate swindlers who for centuries have filled heir coffers with ill-gotten gain. Now there's yet another nemesis on the fringes of the Republican Party who are so nutty that they even terrify the members of the old brigade. Imagine that! A vengeful conservatism so intense it scares the hell out of the old guard. As for all the shitheads swelling the ranks of the Tea Party, the best way to get rid of them is to force them to take a literacy test. Anyone who flunks it will be immersed in a gigantic vat of Lipton's Tea, which will then be emptied into Boston Harbor. That will serve two purposes: it will effectively annihilate the ignoramuses and simultaneously hot up the waters of Boston Bay. (Still want to see my birth certificate? I'll wrap it in a Brillo pad and you can go wipe your ass with it!)
All this clamor about deficit overspending is "hocking my chynkick," as my thrifty Jewish pal Rahm Emanuel keeps saying, so I will bring back all the troops and turn Guantánamo into a Wild West theme park dolling up the prisoners in cowboy attire, which, after some time, will raise enough loot to reduce the national deficit and keep the fiscal neurotics quiet for awhile.
Politics are warfare and just as you can't go into battle armed only with rhetoric and good intentions, the time has come to stop playing basket ball and kick some ass.
Thank you, and God Bless the United States of America.
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