Swans Commentary » swans.com January 14, 2008  



Buy Now And Lighten Up


by Peter Byrne





(Swans - January 14, 2008)  

She:  You tell me to lighten up and then unload these seamy salesmen on me.

He:  Look. You're sitting comfortably in your favorite armchair and the tube's shining forth like the setting sun. Enjoy.

She:  You say the man is a candidate for president?

He:  Right. He's a Baptist Minister.

She:  And the hairy one?

He:  Chuck? He's a Texas Ranger. Where have you been?

She:  He looks dangerous, like he needs baptizing or handcuffs or something.

He:  That's because he's an actor. He's acting tough.

She:  You mean his Texas Ranger character is tough?

He:  Whacking, acting, what's the difference? Look at him. He's tough period.

She:  And the cornball plays the role of a minister?

He:  Don't split hairs. This is amusing. You should be laughing.

She:  But was he actually ordained?

He:  Yeah, but it's not obligatory for politicians. Just so they get down on their knees and wallow before they spew their speech.

She:  Before they can start dishing it out?

He:  Right. No one's going to vote for a wimp.

She:  Should I laugh when he says that Chuck has another fist behind his beard?

He:  Three fists? That only means he's plenty tough. Of course it's funny.

She:  I think I'll puke first.

He:  See how white his teeth are?

She:  Shouldn't he be bragging about having a brain back there somewhere behind his beard?

He:  A brain? That's not Chuck or the Minister's department. The guys who thought up the ad have the brains. Everyone says it's a first.

She:  Three fists are too many. It's freakish.

He:  Listen to her. She has no eye for cathode rays. You have to put two and two together.

She:  That's four. He said three fists.

He:  You heard him say that his answer to securing the border was a single word: Chuck.

She:  I heard that but couldn't believe it. Are they going to use all those fists on the Mexicans?

He:  This is humor. Don't you ever laugh?

She:  I'll laugh when the Mexicans do. And why does Chuck say the Minister is a lifelong hunter? I thought those guys put souls in their game bag.

He:  Because he is a lifelong hunter, with guns.

She:  How do you know he's not acting that?

He:  Chuck is the actor.

She:  The Minister is a good shot so he'll make a good president?

He:  Ninny. Any regular viewer knows that hunters have character.

She:  Who says so?

He:  Other hunters and people.

She:  Of course people, not the animals that get shot. But which people?

He:  People who buy and sell guns.

She:  Do these people think Jesus had character?

He:  Certainly. He'd have defended the Second Amendment too.

She:  As I remember the script, He wasn't tattooed.

He:  Those were other times.

She:  You're telling me. No capped teeth.

He:  Wild times, but Chuck could have tamed them.

She:  He says the Minister will close down the IRS.

He:  Everyone hates the Internal Revenue Service.

She:  Everyone hates paying taxes.

He:  That's it. You can see why this ad has been called brilliant.

She:  Vote for fists, guns, and no taxes. It's a breakthrough all right.

He:  The man of course has other planks to his platform.

She:  Such as?

He:  He lost one hundred and ten pounds.

She:  Sorry? Come again.

He:  Back in Arkansas he was governor and fat as a mulefoot hog. Then, bingo, he lost one hundred and ten pounds.

She:  No kidding? Wow! The Minister gets my vote. It must have been a miracle. Had he prayed a lot?

He:  He hasn't said. It's, you know, a personal matter between him, God, and the cook.

She:  A load of blubber like that had to be personal.

He:  But it shows character.

She:  Yes, it does. Try pulling a trigger with your finger as thick as a wrist. Did his fists look like cabbages?

He:  That's all in the past. The point is he did it with will power. Can you imagine what a man like that might do in the White House?

She:  Hell, yes. He and Chuck would do sharpshooting from the roof and push-ups in the Rose Garden.

He:  You have to admit that as a nation we are a tad on the portly side.

She:  I like the before-and-after angle. It's just like when our actual prez came off the booze. And look what that's done for the world.

He:  It makes you think.

She:  Which do you figure took more praying, getting on the water wagon or losing one hundred and ten pounds?

He:  Things of the spirit are best not put into words.

She:  Except in a TV ad.

He:  I'd like to see it again. It grabs your attention from the start and doesn't let go over the whole sixty-second span.

She:  The Minister's not going to be president.

He:  You never know. You can't be sure.

She:  I am. It's because of his name.

He:  Ha! Remember that rose? What's in a name.

She:  Plenty. Listen: Chuck, Huck, what the fuck.

He:  Stop! Don't be scurrilous. How can you cheapen a hallowed institution like the presidency by thinking citizens would take into consideration such a frivolous thing as a candidate's unfortunate name?

She:  Then there's suck to watch out for.

He:  You disappoint me. There was a time in this country when maidens, wives, and mothers got beneath our values and lifted.

She:  Sorry. I forgot myself there for a decade or so. Let's put the box to bed and moralize.

He:  Nah. With nothing to watch, I'd fall asleep.

She:  For family viewing the Minister might be able to do a jingle with luck.

He:  Forget that slogan stuff. I told you the man has a solid platform.

She:  Right. He's for Jesus and no taxes.

He:  Like Chuck said, his man's a "principled, authentic Conservative."

She:  And the man said that Chuck not only had three fists but "Christian views."

He:  Like all Texas Rangers.

She:  The trouble with Jesus Christ is that long white robe He wears.

He:  What do you expect? He was a conservative dresser.

She:  But on the campaign posters He's going to look odd with a hunting rifle on His shoulder beside His halo.

He:  Not at all. Bin Laden looks neat with his Kalashhnikov and he has to wear a turban to boot.

She:  Maybe they can work something harmless out with buck, or tuck.

He:  I said to forget slogans and envisage the man's serious policies.

She:  Such as the weight-loss crusade?

He:  Right. I can see the next ad: Will power turning out prayers.

She:  Like fresh bills spilling out of an ATM?

He:  That's not very spiritual.

She:  Sorry.

He:  Let's say, like a strong arm at the grill stacking flapjacks.


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About the Author

Peter Byrne on Swans (with bio).



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Swans -- ISSN: 1554-4915
URL for this work: http://www.swans.com/library/art14/pbyrne59.html
Published January 14, 2008