Swans Commentary » swans.com April 24, 2006  



A Farmer In A Dell
My UDR 400


by Milo Clark





(Swans - April 24, 2006)  Refrain:

A'Farmer in a'Dell

A'Farmer in a'Dell

Hi Ho a'dairyo

A'Farmer in a'Dell

My new cow, UDR 400, is so top of the line, so

sophisticated, so full of herself that it took weeks to get her

milker connected right. Even the newest milker wouldn't work on her.

Came with top financing, she did. 0% interest for a year.

The farmer fell all over itself with a great warranty, too.

However, trying to figure out how to attach a milker was

beyond the Farmer's technical support staff.

Everybody can have bad weeks, right? Finally figured it out

for myself with the help of friends. Even so, production was spotty.

Then we drifted along for a couple months. Not really a

producer, it turns out. I stuck with her just the same.

Then, she just dried up. Shut down. Calls and e-mail to

Farmer's technical and customer support got lots of people

but little help.

You know that old saw about running round Robin Hood's

barn? Farmer has updated it using very powerful servers.

Farmer has added bells and whistles like you wouldn't

believe unless you went round and round their barns. Not

only have they incorporated neighboring farms spreading

all around them like rings around a rosie, they have gone

to global pastures. There is Farmer globalized: India,

Philippines, Canada, Oregon, Mississippi, Tennessee. All

over Texas and more to discover every day!

Ready for a tour?

1-800 Farmer0: sputter, sputter-

"Hello, thank you for calling Farmer."

"Your call may be recorded for quality purposes."

"If you want customer support, press one."

"If you want technical support, press two."

"If you want financial services, press three."

"If you want Robin Hood, press four."

"If you want interminable hold, press five."

"If you want classical music on interminable hold, press six"

"If you want country-western music on interminable hold, press seven."

"For instant hang up, press eight."

"To repeat this menu, press nine."

"For more options, press 0."

1-800-Farmer1 sputter, sputter, sputter...

"Thank you for calling Farmer's special UDR 400 Customer Support."

"Your call may be recorded for quality purposes."

"Using the keys on your telephone, please enter your name."

5646 682537

"Thank you."

"Please enter your customer number."


"Thank you."

"Please enter your Social Security number."


"Please enter your mother's maiden name."


"Thank you."

"Please enter your Farmer model number."

UDR 400

"Thank you."

"Please enter your service tag number."


"Thank you."

"Please enter your express service code."


"Thank you."

"Please enter your Farmer Preferred Financial Account number."


"Thank you."

"Please enter your address."

14-0980 Route Eight A, Peasantree AL. 43098-5478.

"Thank you."

"Please enter your telephone number, area code first, with no spaces between numbers."


"I'm sorry, please enter your telephone number, area code first, no spaces between numbers, without access code."


"Thank you."

"I will now switch you to our special UDR 400 customer service department. You will hear two tones and then limbo."

Tone one, Tone two . . . . Silence . . . . deep, profound silence.

First very faintly, then gradually stronger comes the refrain. . . .

A'Farmer in a'Dell,

A'Farmer in a'Dell.

Hi Ho the a'dairyo,

A'Farmer in a'Dell. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


· · · · · ·


Do you relate to Milo Clark's frustrations? You know what he is
talking about, don't you?  Then, please help us work on shaming
those predators. Please do.

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Internal Resources


America the 'beautiful'


About the Author

Milo Clark on Swans (with bio).



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Swans -- ISSN: 1554-4915
URL for this work: http://www.swans.com/library/art12/mgc182.html
Published April 24, 2006