Err, Mr. Carville, No Picture?

by Gilles d'Aymery

March 29, 2004   


Mr. James Carville
Democratic National Committee
Washington D.C.
(via the Web)


Dear Mr. Carville,

Thank you so much for your fiery letter. Upon its receipt I felt emboldened, almost enthused by the recognition that my modest contribution to the country was once more being distinguished. It dawned upon me that I was ever slowly becoming a full constituent of the great American experiment -- not a citizen yet, but surely a member of the god-chosen polity.

You see, two weeks ago, Mr. Racicot contacted me on behalf of our great leader. They made me feel very proud when they acknowledged my grassroots leadership and elevated me to the title of Charter Member of the Bush-Cheney '04 campaign in California. They even included a dedicated photograph of Mr. Bush and his lady. It's already framed and revered (I sent Mr. Bush a letter of deep appreciation).

Of course, you could not do the same. Mr. Kerry and his ketchup gentlewoman are not yet officially the contenders to the throne. But I would have appreciated a picture of you and your beloved wife, Mary Matalin. She is so enticing and witty... After all, aren't you two lavishly described as "Washington's best-loved couple . . . . [giving] audiences an entertaining and enlightening look at today's most important political issues and what's going on in Washington," by the Washington Speakers Bureau?

I particularly enjoyed Mary's performance in her role as assistant to Mr. Bush and counselor for strategy and communications to Mr. Cheney. What a magnificent cast of characters! Do you drive a Ford and she a Chevy, by any chance? Are Coke and Pepsi your respective drinks? A Democrat bulldog married to a Republican Cinderella...that's really the stuff of Hollywood! There's no business like show business, as the saying goes...

The positive tone of your letter is most enlightening. Really, how could they "destroy good jobs and spend the surplus, privatize Medicare, squander our goodwill, and worst of all lie?" Certainly no Democrat would ever do such horrific deeds. We deserve better leaders, armed with compassionate liberalism to put a stop to their "unilateral capitalism." The recourse to personal attacks, coming from the Republicans and the conservative special interest groups (particularly the fundamentalist, right-wing media) is appalling. These people are evil and must be defeated by all means.

Kerry for President!

We can all bank on the future for, unlike Mr. Bush, Mr. Kerry is a man of the people as his humble origins and modest lifestyle amply attest. Under a Kerry Administration, peace will prevail; our troops will leave Iraq and come home; the country will be once again back on the road to prosperity; jobs will abound; affordable universal health care for all; the doubling of the minimum wage; lower military expenditures; more teachers and no child left behind, a more progressive tax system; and surplus galore...

I can't wait.

While I'm a bit short on cash right now (hence the absence of an enclosed check), please be assured that I will not be a spoiler like that other evil one, Ralph Nader, and will relentlessly advocate your positive vision of a future without Bush ™ with your charming wife in mind.

Hugs to Mary,
High-five to the company,
God Bless.

Yours appreciatively,

Gilles d'Aymery

P.S. Hope that Mary and you will keep entertaining us for years to come.

cc. Mary Matalin, George W. Bush, John Kerry, Dick Cheney

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Gilles d'Aymery is Swans' publisher and co-editor.

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Published March 29, 2004
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