What do YOU Want in Your President?
by Jan Baughman

Well, here we go again - searching for a President. It seems to start earlier and earlier each year. One day, life will be one continuous campaign and fund-raiser, and we'll look back on the 20th Century, reminiscing about the days when there really was a voter turnout. In the meantime, after a painful political year, the elections can be nothing but a let down. All the good people have gone into hiding and we're left with nothing but reruns!

Watching Dan Quayle campaigning on television, one can't help but think he is simply too...pretty to ever be elected President. It is a strange and sexist thought--and normally, we don't think of a man as a "dumb blond". What Dan doesn't realize, is that he's far too pretty and stupid to gain Republican support. The last thing the Republicans want in their President is a vulnerable target for a 20-something intern who is planted by the Democratic Committee to seduce him out of vengeance. They'll find themselves much more comfortable with Bob Dole, who is only vulnerable four to six days a month, depending on which insurance carrier he has.

The Democrats should take a much different approach and learn from the myriad polls that were taken over the past year. The public was really embarrassed by the global ridiculing we took over our obsession with Monica and Bill and the puritanical values that carried this so-called scandal down the path to impeachment. We want to erase that image, be sophisticated and worldly in the eyes of the world. What better way to put an end to the mockery than to elect a worldly man and, in a very European way, wink at his indiscretions and leave them out of the press? We must prove ourselves!

Unfortunately, the pickings are slim. Al Gore ranks about even with Ross Perot when it comes to sex appeal, and Tipper certainly isn't much help. She'll probably cause us more puritanical embarrassment by taking on the sexually explicit words on the Internet. We may need to consider another actor. Though, sadly, many of the young and virile ones are Republicans or Scientologists. Barbra Streisand and Jack Nicholson come to mind, but something a little more James Bondish would be preferable.

One positive outcome of the extinction of the (heretofore male) candidates will be the eventuality of a female President. Once this becomes commonplace, the position will probably be reduced in stature (and salary), but before that happens, we should enjoy a few good years when the male politicians won't dare touch on the issue of Mrs. President's personal life. And, ultimately, a constitutional amendment will be adopted to increase the President's term in office so that we don't have to have so many damn elections.

Published February 28, 1999
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