Just Imagine...
by Jan Baughman

In a twelfth-hour compromise, President Clinton is offered a censure agreement that imposes no fine, no admission of perjury, and no harsh slap-on-the-wrist statements that would fill history books and biographies to come. All he has to agree to is this: Voluntary castration. Let the punishment fir the crime! An eye for an eye! Justice will have been served...and let that be a lesson to all of those would-be presidents out there. You think the threat of impeachment is scary, just wait for the new millennium politics! It's a New World Order, indeed.

In the meantime, the new and humbled William Jefferson Clinton will stand by his woman, Hillary Rodham (market researchers suggested she drop "Clinton" because of the negative associations) in her campaign for President of the United States of America, They'll be the perfectly balanced team, the President and her First Gentleman.

Now, who could Hillary select as a running mate to balance out her team and ensure that no other candidates can touch them? None other than Elisabeth Dole. But first, Elisabeth-please do not call her Liddy-needs to drop the $200k per year job. Next, she needs to boost Bob's image a bit. Market researchers suggested he land a post with Pfizer as spokesman for Viagra (it is PC to use the word "spokesman" in this context) to depict him as strong and virile. Then they'll be the perfectly balanced team, the Vice President and her First Gentleman.

So, here we are in the year 2000, most of us having survived Y2K and its catastrophic anticlimax. We have our first female president coupled with our first female vice president and our first truly bi-partisan leadership. What a perfectly balanced team, the President and the Vice President. Of course, there will always be critics who accuse them of only focusing on the touchy-feely issues like health care reform and education and human rights. And no, they don't have the cojones to take on Saddam Hussein or Fidel Castro--they'll leave that dirty work to Secretary of State Gore. But just imagine all the progress we would make...

As for Bill and Bob, they'll be on their newly leveled playing field, serving as good-will ambassadors to the new millennium values, extolling the importance of exploiting the female intellect and rallying men from all political persuasions to "stand by your woman:.

Published January 9, 1999
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