A Guide for Women of the Nineties
by Jan Baughman

There are many tough choices facing women today. How to get ahead in this fast-paced, high-tech overpriced environment? Marrying for money is the good-old option, and there are more millionaires than ever to choose from. But the competition is heated, and the cost of living in the cities that millionaires tend to inhabit can be forbidding to a girl of limited means. Add in the necessary accouterments of courting and suddenly you find yourself out of the running all together. Sure, there are wealthy ranchers in the more affordable states such as Montana, but you're odds of ending up with a crazed Freeman outweigh your chance of success.

Consider a career as a Washington intern. The earnings are minimal, but the payoff can be great. Invest in a big hairdo and a small outfit and make yourself available to the lesser known ilk turned loose in the big city with power to burn. If you're really confident, aim straight for the top: Even the President has alleged desires. If all else fails, you can sue, and you won't even have to pay for your own defense. You may even get a free nose job, to boot.

If the political arena is out of your reach, land a job as an assistant to an executive. A bit of provocative attire and late hours can lead even the most professional of businessmen down the dark road to sexual harassment. To be successful at this game, you must never, ever put forth an innuendo. This is an endeavor for only the strong at heart.

Another possibility is the Martha Stewart model. Today's professional woman is reacting to her new, complex role by seeking to recreate the domesticity of her childhood. Offer Home Replacement Meals and custom-embroidered place mats to the guilt-ridden masses. Start an Errands-Are-Us business to take care of the little things that keep the house running properly. Day Care is a gold mine for any savvy businesswoman with a knack for children. Call yourself an "Au Pair" and target only the upper middle class families.

If these suggestions are beyond your intellectual capabilities, examine your physical attributes and find a way to exploit them. Rent your womb, or, if you're concerned about stretch marks, sell your eggs. Get silicone breast implants, then sue the manufacturer. The truly adventuresome full-figured woman might consider undergoing liposuction from one of a multitude of unqualified plastic surgeons. The outcome is predictably marginal and a safe bet for the litigiously inclined.

Yes, educated women are a dime a dozen. The time is now to stand out, be creative, and find a way to succeed, without really trying. Visualize nirvana, and it can be yours.

Published July 30, 1998
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