by SWANS
Infamous Predictions™
(Swans - January 8, 2015)
We are all Charlie. Those criminals will soon be caught or killed. Justice will prevail. We are not afraid of fanaticism. As Charb said, he'd better die with his legs up than on his knees. He died and we will value his legacy forever. Enjoy our predictions.
—Gilles d'Aymery
• The largest outbreak of tornadoes recorded in U.S. history cuts a swath of destruction across the South and Midwest in March. Pat Robertson declares it God's will due to President Obama vetoing the revamped Endangered Species Act.
• An unheard of 7.5 Richter scale earthquake wreaks destruction across the Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas, area. Geologists note that it can only be due to fracking activities. Texas Senator Ted Cruz insists it is a direct response by God to Michelle Obama referring McDonald's offerings as "junk food."
• Global warming deniers offer a compromise, admitting that climate change is in fact a reality, but only because it is God's will. According to their logic, fracking, offshore drilling, and CO2 emissions must continue unabated. Pollution-choked China jumps on the bandwagon and converts to Christianity.
• Central Europe is devastated by what is deemed a one-hundred-year flood event in March. U.S. televangelist Pat Robertson declares it a divine act in response to Vladimir Putin's actions in Ukraine.
• April brings a 1,000-year flooding event in China that destroys hundreds of villages and kills thousands. Fox News declares it Hillary's fault due to the Benghazi incident.
• The first order of the Tea Party Congress and Senate is to declare all public schools illegal and send heavily armed battalions of police to schools in tanks enforce this act. Fourth grade teacher Mrs. Sanders is pictured standing in front of a tank with nothing but a textbook that she purchased herself, because the school district she teaches in was already being starved to death by her Tea Party state government.
• In light of the proposed lifting of US sanctions against Cuba, Marco Rubio, Republican senator of Florida who has opposed the lifting of sanctions, filibusters this and opposes the will of countless corporations that seek to do business in Cuba: the same corporations that have been lining his pockets with cash since he first ran for election to the Senate.
• The U.S. converts Guantánamo Bay to an S & M tourist destination.
• The Yahoo website is hacked by Anonymous, which objects to Yahoo's front page's daily saturation of Kardashian headlines. The North Korean government takes credit for this hacking despite the fact that its country's Internet servers are still down.
• Pope Francis visits the United States to give a plug for ObamaCare. Religious conservatives, many of whom are already free-market fanaticists, are furious and press for sanctions against the Vatican. The Tea Party changes its name to the Know Nothing Party.
• The latest pope turns out to be gay. Marriage at long last is legalized for our brothers (and sisters).
• Law is passed to ban selfies nationwide. Enthusiastic congresspeople and the president, proud of their accomplishment, tweet pictures of themselves signing the bill into law in a rare show of bipartisanship.
• The 114th session of the United States Congress convenes on January 3, 2015. They immediately vote to repeal ObamaCare, then adjourn on January 4 for "a well-deserved, month-long recess," according to new Senate Majority Leader, Republican Mitch McConnell.
• Obama says his mother was a Jew and accuses Netanyahu of anti-Semitism for pissing on the Wailing Wall.
• Netanyahu says Obama is a self-hating Jew who can't cook grits and greens or slice watermelon.
• The U.S. Congress votes to revamp the Endangered Species Act by removing all listed species and replacing them solely with the American, white, Christian fundamentalist, millionaire male (net worth set at a minimum of $10 million in assets). An amendment proposed by Democrats to lower the minimum to $1 million in assets is defeated along party lines.
• Fox announces its new series, "The Blessed, Walking Dead," which will star Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Condi Rice, and Pat Robertson as "oppressed, freedom-fighting zombies and true patriots."
• The US Supreme Court, in a 5-to-4 decision, favors the plaintiffs in Koch-heads v. Flesh & Blood Americans, thus declaring each individual dollar bill to be a person with all the rights afforded to humans and corporations.
• Yet another Clinton/Bush presidential election inspires Al Gore and Mike Huckabee to join forces and create the Green Tea Party ticket to defeat the status quo. As usual, the latter will prevail.
• The US Republican Party announces the site of its 2016 Jeb Bush coronation event to be Doha, Qatar. Not to be outdone, the U.S. Democratic Party says that the site of its 2016 Hillary Clinton coronation, in the spirit of the newly signed Trans-Pacific Partnership, to be in the Mariana Islands.
• Levi-Strauss and The Gap announce that they are moving their sweatshop operations from the Mariana Islands to Myanmar and Eritrea due to increasing labor costs. "And they wanted potty breaks too!" complained a Gap spokesperson.
• Half of New South Wales, Australia, is officially in flames due to the greatest-ever recorded bush fire. Prime Minister Abbot declares it to be the fault of Hillary Clinton's "Benghazi debacle."
• Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbot declares that the Great Barrier Reef will henceforth be known as the Great Coal Resource Monument Reef.
• A category 5 hurricane, rated as a once in every 10,000 years storm, slams into Florida, completely wiping communities such as Key West off the map. Florida Governor Rick Scott declares it is God's wrath in response to "pot smoking, Lesbian, feminist, environmentalist, gun control activists."
• Former US president George W. Bush travels to Ottawa to pose nude for Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who has taken up portrait painting in the tar sand medium.
• Russian president Putin declares a natural gas-rich sliver of land in Antarctica to be populated by penguins of direct Russian decent and begins sending aid. The U.S. immediately announces an effort to arm the "freedom fighter penguins," whose first act is to dump a shipload of Black Sea caviar into the Southern Ocean.
• NATO announces that the newly declared nation of Penguinland has officially applied for membership with the organization.
• Disgusted by the lack of response to her leaked songs, Madonna discards her disguise as a woman and lets her beard grow.
• India, Japan, Russia, the United States, China, and Luxembourg bring conflicting claims for the asteroid, Pallas, to the World Court. Luxembourg's argument is that they need the extra real estate to expand from 999 square miles to an even 1,000. The U.S. cries "foul" and that they're the ones who chose the metric system.
• Polls say the Labour leader doesn't convince image-wise as the next PM, so Pope Francis steps in with a smile as a candidate.
• Nike lays claim to both the waxing and waning moons, outbidding Exxon-Mobil and Coca-Cola for the right to place their "swoosh" logo on its surface to be viewable, worldwide, in the night sky.
• The American government and the MSM will gloat about the great success of the military in Afghanistan and Iraq. If it does not work out it's because they all did not become Americans and shop at the malls.
• Life being short, TV commercials for well-off people become number one on the TV networks, and products for making women look younger are a big hit. Husbands get out of the house, rent an apartment, and screw teens in exchange for a few greens.
• Time Magazine announces The Dollar Bill to be its "Man of the Year."
• 2015 will be a wonderful year. Being fucked and fucked again is what we all strive for.
• People with great minds will talk about ideas. Average minds will focus on events. Small minds will babble about people.
Note
1. The irreverent subset of the Swans collective that brings these Infamous Predictions™ to you features the usual clowns that perform at your local circus on a regular basis, whose cast this year is Harvey Whitney, Jr., Glenn Reed, Peter Byrne, Jan Baughman and, of course, your fearless Gallic editor, who welcomes readers' flames, whines, and outrage while denying all responsibility for the reckless endeavor. Don't sue him. He is penniless. (back)
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Just a few birds belonging to the bevy... (back)